there will always come a time that we need to be reminded by things.. that is why I am reposting this article.. (feb '09 post, title: making my reality)

I just had quite a misunderstanding with someone from my workplace, and it really hurt me a lot.
why? because that person is someone very likeable. really likeable. and I thought that we were okay (well maybe we were) not after I said the following words. ..

Is that a question or a statement?


(deep sigh)


I cried hours during that day. I'm spend an hour crying before starting my work, crying while doing my calls, and will cry more later I know. It's just that I don't even mean anything bad (even a bit) of what I made that person feel with what I said, but I still made her feel worst. And it feels total agony.













I don't know how to say sorry. She is very angry and I can do nothing about it.
I offended her sooOo much.
I don't know.

Was it the way I spoke?
Was it because you were very tired that moment and you thought I disrespected you?
really, i mean no offense. if it's my freaking high pitched normal talking voice that makes people think i'm MAARTE or if it was my unwitty choice of words because that statement seem very normal for me, i really am not sure. but i really wanted to tell you I'm sorry. If you're someone I don't care and even know of, I might not even be hurt like this. but it's just that, every time this issue enters my mind, it reminds me of those moments that we were happy..

we're not best friends or even buddies..
but more than just acquaintances you just met and nod heads with.








Sorry. I know I've offended you. It might sound like crap, but I really, really did not mean it. Hope we could still reconcile in the future..

I just had quite a misunderstanding with someone from my workplace, and it really hurt me a lot.
why? because that person is someone very likeable. really likeable. and I thought that we were okay (well maybe we were) not after I said the following words. ..

Is that a question or a statement?


(deep sigh)


I cried hours during that day. I'm spend an hour crying before starting my work, crying while doing my calls, and will cry more later I know. It's just that I don't even mean anything bad (even a bit) of what I made that person feel with what I said, but I still made her feel worst. And it feels total agony.













I don't know how to say sorry. She is very angry and I can do nothing about it.
I offended her sooOo much.
I don't know.

Was it the way I spoke?
Was it because you were very tired that moment and you thought I disrespected you?
really, i mean no offense. if it's my freaking high pitched normal talking voice that makes people think i'm MAARTE or if it was my unwitty choice of words because that statement seem very normal for me, i really am not sure. but i really wanted to tell you I'm sorry. If you're someone I don't care and even know of, I might not even be hurt like this. but it's just that, every time this issue enters my mind, it reminds me of those moments that we were happy..

we're not best friends or even buddies..
but more than just acquaintances you just met and nod heads with.








Sorry. I know I've offended you. It might sound like crap, but I really, really did not mean it. Hope we could still reconcile in the future..

every long lost dream lead me to where you are. others who broke my heart they were like northern stars, pointing me on my way into your loving arms. this much i konw is true...
that God bless the broken road that led me straight to you..














an i-just-met person told me, "You will continously experience the lesson that you refuse to learn". Those lines left their mark in me. Yes. I will continue breaking my heart until I learned to wait for the man who will truly earn my love.

i could be beaten by doctors by the title i just typed for this post. haha who cares? i'm entitled to liberty once in a while..



facebook mafia-this is what i'm currently doing..
later i'll have to finish my explanation why i had incurred tardiness for my technical training.. (c'mon.. be positive chel!)
i have just sent my resignation for my former company.. (where i worked i think for less than two months?waaa)
i'll be AGAIN taking my technical certification in two weeks time. 9even if i'm already certified). sometimes you'll just have take the consequences or should i day requirements of the things that you really want, however hard thwy might seem at the beginning. well ou'll never know if that's what you realy wanted unless you give it a shot. and A SHOT means really going for it and not just going through preliminaries.


pause: loading my playlist which consists of louder, rougher music.. -- basic relief therapy of rachel..


regained a bit of health. (alert: chel needs to eat LOADS now.. haha i'm dead hungry!



what's running in my mind at the moment:
danes my former product trainer is cute..
i miss my barkada..
thinking when will I oen my accounting books again..
nervous for the upcoming certification..






needs more prayer.. - ultimate health strategy..










-------back to the normal world..

fast news..

july 12- 'it' day


july 15-first time i was commended in a call. (well, i always get commended by customers because of my patience listening to them, however frustrated i am). but this day, my cust asked for my supervisor to send her commendation, and i listened to the call. wAAAa.. soo happy..

but that doesn't change the fact that i miss zune. and i don't know why inspite all of what happened to me in my former company, i still want that job back. if not for it's instability, i will dumped my new work immediately. (too harsh!)


i am looking for extra jobs. i need to help my mom pay my sister's tuition fee. now, i'm getting dizier thinking how could i save for myself and my other dreams. on the other hand, i will be extending financial help to a friend that needs to be operated soon.


i am the only person at our office that brings the picture of her barkada at her table every shift. can't help it!













stay positve. i miss a lot of things. but i need to stay focused and to keep my dreams as close to my heart as always. my faith is my power.















Godbless us ! :)

no turning back.
it was lost.
but it's still mine.





can someone decipher this?

in supposed to choose which company will I work for.
i'm okay with my new company, but i miss my first company sooOo much. i still don't know what to pick. im cheating the companies and myself. i have to choose one. NOW.


papa God.. Help!

i am now settling myself not to think about being in love anymore.
stop worrying about what love can bring. what relationships might do for you.
focus on other things.
thing with more worth

i can always say what i want to say here right?
i need to make a decision as soon as possible.
i have to stop being employed by two companies.
i need to choose now.
why am i so afraid to decide and to take chances?

do i actually know ow to read the signs?
well you just have to listen to the soul of the world..
to God's signs scattered around you..






after all that i've been through..
he made me smile like i've never known how painful it is to love..





and he makes me inspired..
he is my new inspiration..






without words, i know he's mine
i hope he listens to my actions..
















moving on...











love blooms when the heart finds the one it longs for..
love strikes because you chose to embrace it..








let's get to know each other better..
i'd like to be with you..

have you tried to physically play yet still feel respected? (do you actually understand what i mean with that statement?haha)

i just had.. it was fun.. and worthwhile.. and worth remembering..
do it again? no more :)



just that once..
(wushu)
hahahaha

can you see this picture. blurred yet essential.



this is taken using Ken's n70. we were so impatient so we took a picture of us before the photographer comes and starts to take us pictures.

I am always in for dilemmas. well i don't take that as anything negative, because that's something to be looked forward to about life right?




updates.

-i am now currently employed in two companies

• IQOR clark, site 2
• SGS (sutherland global services)

this is something illegal. really! i shouldn't be doing this, and i am sad most of my days because i'm caught in between choosing a workplace that i'm accustomed to plus having company e-mail access with friends and a company that gives me a fixed sched which might open more oportunities for me to properly plan other things with my life (i need to go back to school next semester, and my mom prefers this company as it will let me take classes in the morning or afternoon). i often get fights with my mom and myself. well i am (well i think i am) 70% decided that i wil resign at Suth and continue working with IQOR. lots of pros and cons. but if i don't decide soon, i will not be having my salary and worse be sued with what im doing. (i wouldn't be! haha positive perception)

-i'm still in the process of moving on

• with my ex
• with our memories together

don't tell me i did not try. i always do. i try to focus on working and building a stronger relationship with my barkada. (JBARK) i try to find a crush in my new workplace, so i could be excited by someone and will help me take off my mind from thinking about him (sorry- grammar errors. yuck), but i can find NO one. i even find myself in the verge of tears when a supervisor takes my call, because flashes of our happy moments enter my mind. but i have thought about everything already. it will take time . but we wouldn't be together again. with a pregnant gf (which i knew was his ex) our world together will not be happy. come to think of it, almost all of my friends are happy that me and him decided to be friends for now. it gives us time and space to think about the situation. anyway, enough. we're over. it's done. move on. get by. smile.

-i'm having school confusions

• finish Accountancy
• start music and Theatre

if i go back to school next sem, one thing is for sure. i need to pay my balance with my previous university (HAU) and i will be transferring to a school that will still allow me to be under the Accountancy program. and as always, im now in a state where i don't know if this is what i really want. (or is it really a question of what i want) CPA or theatre? well, i think i'm finishing accounting first. but i really want to master myself in terms of SAVING. i will save! that's what i want! haha i want to have money saved so i could take music and theatre courses in the near future :) in a world of chaos, you will never have NO time for your heart's passion. :)

amidst all, there are a few things that makes my heart survive.

• my Father (papa G)
• my mom
• JBARK
• bee
• my visualized company :) details in the near future. key words -- positivism.faith.health.passion excited!

june 15.
104 days. 9 hours. 58 mins. 6 seconds since she first met him.





this is an interview with rachel, her conscience as the interviewer.









hey rachel how are you right now? i bet you're going through an ordeal at the moment.
- ordeal? (smiles) not really. it's another phase of my life. anothere lesson that i need to understand. love is always love, however irrational it may be.


now that you have given the key word, why won't you tell us what happened to this LOVE of yours.
-well. we're over. nothing more to tell about.

how does it feel?
-a while ago i was crying in bed, hugging my pillow so hard to release all my pain. after all that happened, i still love him. crazy, crazy feeling.


so does this mean you and him will be together again?
-NO.

why not?
-with his situation right now, we wouldn't be happy if we will force ourselves to be together again. i still love him, even more right now, but love doesn't change the FACTS. he has a son, 6 months old with his ex. he has to carry that responsibility. he's so unsure of what to do with his life. i don't want him to be in a situaton that will cause the both of us pain and confusion. i am happy with what we have right now.

you met yesterday right? how did it go?
well, it was fine.

fine, what do you mean?
he told me he still loves me. and that he loved me, ever since we started being together. and i feel the same way. but right now my love for him just won't let me agree to be back with him. maybe because i'm stronger now. and that i see things better right now that we already had a space between us.


so there would be no more 'you and him'?
i can't tell the future. right now, there's no one that could replace him in my heart and in my mind. and i know, it will take quite a while before i could be used to not being with him.

how often do you think of him?
i remember him in every single thing i do.




i miss touching every part of his face when he's sleeping.
i miss singing for him.
i miss kissing him.
i miss slapping his face in a crowded place.
i miss his crazy dances.



who will ever..
wait for me at the end of the stairs and hug me after i ran to him
kiss my hand
stay at the window of the jeepney i am riding in, until he doesn't see me anymore
say that he needs someone like me in his life
appreciate that i am a good girl
carry me in his arms even when there are people around
hug me tight in the morning when he wakes up beside me
call me tabachoy
make me as crazy and as sane as this at the same time























silence
deep thoughts

after so many weeks of being dormant..
i am coming back..






renewed.
ready for more.









i am now launching THIS IS ALL ME as the second phase of my blog life. Perusing my life is done. i have a lot in store. in the second phase of my blog, i wouldn't be afraid to reveal myself in every words i leave, i won't be afraid to express all that i have to say.



confessions.
deepest thoughts.
earnest desires.





the second phase of my blog is even more personal than my previous way of opening myself to this world. now, i will give my full trust to my readers.





trust.
risk.
showing more of myself.
never afraid.









i now consider my readers to be a part of another world that i will trust.











see more of me. inside.

this is my first call center wave family.. MS Zune 13 :)

we have been disbonded due to different reasons, but our friendship remains unfaded..

let me introduce them to you..










see the smiles? haha.. we're not complete there. i am the one wearing yellow.
the girl beside me is jung, our technical foundation trainer.. I have a BIG crush on her.. haha (hey, i'm not a lesbo, ok? haha )





our friend edited our picture >>


hahahahaha ..



















here's the only picture that me and my boyfriend is next to each other.. when this picture was taken, we were not yet going out.



yiii.. why does he always to make that hand gesture? GRR.. (haha.. )
we have pictures that we are together, though. but it's on our outlook in the company. can't transfer it to my mail.. :(





during our training then, we go out during dawn riding the bikes of my friends.. here's our insane pictures.. haha

see.. Boys' trip.. hahah (did i just cal myself a Boy? haha)

we have a lot of pictures.. just view my friendster for that. I miss them sOOOoo much..

whew..

im such a BIG FOOL .
i hate you.
i hate you. i hate you.

life is all about taking risks and being in control.. :)






forest.
dark.
wild.
new.


love.
happy.
nervous.

missing.
time.
energy.







life is what you make it. life is what we do with it.

the past weeks i have been very busy with my call center training.. i have just realized that i have been missing a lot of things.. what i miss the most is the time i spend with lots of my friends. i miss the power dinner with rhonz and khym.. :( i rarely have time to text bee and catch up with his daily activities. when i read his blog, it's as if i am an alien there.





the past days were a bit busy and i spend my whole time with TG then work, then TG then work..



(sigh)



i need to start my visualization NOW!

i envision RAChEl to have NONtaxable income (dividend income man, hahaha).. It may sound weird, but I want to be succesful in my BPO (business process outsourcing) career now and still finish my accountancy course and be a CPA. whichever path i take, i have to be like the women in corporate atttire in the picture. i will be that girl! :) i will have enough financial knowlege and working skills that would suffice for me to survive the ever changing world..

The Theatre? whoa.. who said i would give up my theatre dream? haha I would still study theatre or put up my own theatre school or perform major plays with theatre guild.. i would never, never leavemy passion for the arts (singing, acting, dancing)

of course, what would all money mean to me if I don't have a family to share it with. of course i'd like to have my better half, who would love me and our family all my life.

and of course, the never ending search for my soul with God's presence.. Perfect future.. ^.^

trivia: i am still in class while i'm doing this post. our trainer is relating ghost stories. real ghost stories which she experienced.



some of the spirits drain you your spiritual energy so that they will regenerate.





in class, we have a classmate (kua khem) who actually can see ghosts, and our trainer and cyrene (beautiful nurse) who feel spirits.





right now, they are talking about candy, a spirit who is at the clsass right now. there is also a man with long fingers. they are really taling about spirits right now. spirits are really lurking right now in class? whoa..









some of my classmates are having headaches right now. and maybe this is a manifestation that thier sixth sense is like

my head is quite jammed right now.I have been up from like 8am in the morning yesterday, and now i'm just burning some time while waiting for the start of the seminar about good governance. (well i really hope that this seminar would be like worth all my the effort i am doing. i need a power sleep! )


this post is for some of the most recent people who have caught my attention or who have stayed in my mind for various reasons.


let me start the enumeration..


-leonilyn, Theatre Guild new member, New Board of Representative member
basically,what i noticed about her is her uniqueness. for herto be able to attend the very important meeting that we have set for all the old and new representatives, she told her mom that she was attending a swimming party at a resort near their residence. she even brought clothes with her (as props) .c'mon! that really amazed me. and i saw the future president spirit in her. i just hope she would have the fire to handle TG


--Ms. Jung, Technical Foundation Trainer
We just met her yesterday, and my impression--- smart, smart girl. she is very techy, considering that she is a Psychology graduate. and is very articulate with English, reads books and watches a lot of movies, physically strong, apppealing to guys because of her aura of wit and strength, funny and very sensible person. i can easily say i wanted to be a her.





oohh.. girl power going on..

hahaha




Gudluck for this week. and please dear reader, leave a message on my chat box.. much much thanks! ^.^

just recently, I made up a picture of the person I want to be. I wan to be the manager. not 'a' but THE. and it's not only a manager of a particular line of business or company, but the manager of myself. this wouls be my career, forever.




wish I have more time for blogging..
miss the blog world..
GODbewithus

this article is something i found out from the internet. in an effort to move my heart closer to zune, i posted this on my blog. enjoY! :)








It's time to settle the debate. iPod or Zune? Did Microsoft kick the pod where it counts or is the mighty whitey still the king of the ring? Each player is loaded with features, flashy video capabilities and music storage galore. What one should you take home? Well, I can't tell you exactly which one you should rush out and buy. But maybe I can help to point buyers in the right direction.I've fiddled with each of these players for well over a month each and have developed likes and dislikes, fondness and disgust (see our Zune and iPod reviews for complete coverage). Each player tackles the needs of consumers in a different way. Sometimes it works, sometimes not so much.Enough talk. Let's just get right into it. Here is my short list of what I consider to be the most important features of any portable media player. Which player fulfills these criteria and which stinks up the joint? Let us begin.

Advantage: iPod

my conclusion? ipod is more popular NOW. Let's see what happens next. hahaha

What is your choice? :)

i miss blogging soo much.. it has been a very busy week but i know things are all working out fine. i'm nervous, haha.. it would be the grammar exam later. i really pray that everyone would pass the exam. :)


just so i won't forget, i will share stories of our road trips everynight at a later date. and how much i love my call center team, wave 13 ..

this would also be the last week for TG officers this batch.. Goodluck to all the things i have to do..



I know God is always within me..

I'm happy. this is how i would want to start my post for today. 4 days of call center training, going to school every after training to attend class, then practice for our ballroom competition next week, then preparations for the battery of training for our organization tomorrow until sunday.. hectic week? you are totallly right. i really am tired ( and i kook like one) although i'm soOo happy. this is my escape mechanism. being busy with my life makes me feel i'm okay. but i will turn this escape mechanism as the first step towards my success and my stronger personality.


realizations? that, i would never fail to acquire. everyday is a learning, right?Ü that God is very good. when you really want something, He will give that. (well of course if that is really the best thing for you) He is good, really good, I can attest to that. haha ^.^



even if a lot of people are against what i'm doing, i just don't want to believe them. Of course I can do this, I have done it for a week, sure there would be problems, but I know I'm better than those.



there is this quote that I keep on telling myself the whole week.. You don't have to see the whole road. Just take the first step with faith.


Well, it gets really hard at times, but all I have to do is to keep myself in a positive buning attitude. and all that follows are goodness.. haha.. soo happy!




I really am tired at the moment. but before i end this post, i want to include important things that happend during my week.. (random order, haha)

-i ate dinner with rhonz and bee, two of the most important people in my life
-i belong to the trainees for a certain call center technical team. I love our class soOo much. our class is really good, my batchmates are very good with english and their sOoo fun to be with. I'm attached to them easily. we are an all-star class. haha (lots of handsome men, too hahahaha)
-I have a co-trainee who ate lunch alone (mon). i left the table of my friends and joined him. haha i don't know why.. "i will be Antoine's substitute for today' hahaha
-vacation is getting near wee
-i am starting to be positive always.. yey!



that's all I think? haha im outta here..




miss someone..

Every end of the month, i will be posting highlights.. For this February, I will be giving thanks to the HEROES of my month.. (I have many everyday heroes, but for this post I will be concentrating on special ones, who gave me new inspirations this month. :) )

the POSITIVE GIRLS

Power: giving inspiration and happy spirit
Mission: to spread positivism (oh yeah!)

Message: eeeh, because of the secret, our group was formed. These gurls are my constant smile-makers.. ^.^ Go positive girls! our foe, i mean next target (haha) kua roy! bwahaha

Super Pedro

Power: Saving and Comfort

Message: haha.. I know you won't read this. Anyway, I'm so happy we became close. You are really a good friend, I hope you and Yel will be okay again.. If you need someone to listen to your problems, I'd be here for you..

Kua Benjj

Power: Conservatism (hahaha)

Message: Kua, power hug! haha Thanks for treating me as your sister.. May Papa always bless our friendship..

Prince Bee

Power: My Everyminute Hero

Message: Je t'aime always.. whatever we go through, we will always be us.. ^.^

GodBless my Heroes and Sheroes.. Til my next month-ender special entry.. :)