Showing posts with label insanities.impulsiveness.sadness. Show all posts
someone just died inside of me..
Monday, May 18
this is an open space right? and everything i say here is kept secret by you my dear readers, right? i just want to grab this moment to burst everything i feel..
right now.. the fire in my heart to love just turned cold.
right now.. the fire in my heart to love just turned cold.
it has been more than a month. with all the relationships that i went through, my now is my longest ( and it's only more than a month). i gave him every part of my heart, every part of my goodness.
there are lots of complications that arose during the middle part of our new relationship. responsibilities he has from his past, that is a part of his today and tomorrow. complications with his heart and mind. he's playful. he's unserious. he's young. i thought i could help him. i thought i was the one he needed to be okay. apparently, he is inlove without knowing how to properly take care and nourish that love.
another door has closed.
my heart is broken.
i will push my heart to be numb again.
right now, i hope the heaven could cry for me. '
all i wanted was to make him happy.
i thought i knew him.
BOYS ARE LIARS.
'if he can do it once, he can do it again'
you used me keith. you used me. :(
Song, in my head
Sunday, February 22
there is this song.. that plays continously inside my head right now.. and it's starting to invade my system and block my veins..
I will break into your thoughtsWith what's written on my heartI will break, breakI'm so sick, infected withWhere I liveLet me live without thisEmpty bliss, selfishnessI'm so sickI'm so sickIf you want more of thisWe can push out, sell out, die outSo you'll shut up and stay sleepingWith my screaming in your itching earsI'm so sick, infected withWhere I liveLet me live without thisEmpty bliss, selfishnessI'm so sickI'm so sickHear it, I'm screaming itYou're heeding to it 
nowHear it, I'm screaming itYou tremble at this soundYou sink into my clothesThis invasion makes me feelWorthless, hopeless, sickI'm so sick, infected withWhere I liveLet me live without thisEmpty bliss, selfishnessI'm so, I'm so sickI'm so sick, infected withWhere I liveLet me live without thisEmpty bliss, selfishness
nowHear it, I'm screaming itYou tremble at this soundYou sink into my clothesThis invasion makes me feelWorthless, hopeless, sickI'm so sick, infected withWhere I liveLet me live without thisEmpty bliss, selfishnessI'm so, I'm so sickI'm so sick, infected withWhere I liveLet me live without thisEmpty bliss, selfishnessoOohh.. God please don't let me be insane again.. Let my loving heart overpower the poisons of emptiness.. i just want to be happy..
Please help me be happy..
right now, i just don't know how to be..
i am in a state of numbness..
hidden bruises..
My thoughts are flying,
My dreams are soaring high above me,
I kept my hands, warm and reaching towards them.
Did I just lost by an inch?
My heart was beating, when would it live again?
Even I can't heal, its bleeding.
I just can't smile.
I just can't stop dying.
hear my plea..
Wednesday, February 18
this is a letter, open for everyone to see, yet dedicated to someone very special for me..
to vitamins. . .
my day turned out normal, even if i haven't had any communication with you..
but, i have never been so empty inside.. (i'm starting to cry sa cafe.. :( )
yung about sa last post ko (another falling star) gusto ko magexplain, kahit ayaw mokong magexplain..
kung iniisip mo na ang linyang to "for now, i will be pushing my heart to live without that star.." means na ilalayo ko na sarili ko sayo, mali un.. (deep sigh)
my falling star, ikaw yung tinutukoy non.. pero, hindi buong ikaw, kundi yung ikaw na inisip kong pwede kong maging boyfriend.. gets mu ba? (para na kong tanga dito oh, totoo man umiiyak ako sa cafe.. )
that line means iniiwan ko na yung 'thought' na un, and un yung falling star ko. but that doesn't mean i don't want you in my life. i would never want you na mawala ka sa buhay ko. alam mo naman gano ka kaimportante sakin. diba you are my co-warrior? my brother? bakit ka naman lumalayo.. nasasaktan ako ng sobra..
i miss you soo much.. you are one of the best things that happened to me.. sana marenew na friendship natin..
je t' aime soo much..
:(
another falling star..
Tuesday, February 17
sometimes in life, even if you are constantly in happiness, some things might just go wrong..
me? one of my stars just fell, and it really made me so sad.. I'm still in the process of accepting that i just lost that star. but i know in time, i will understand the reason why he has to leave me.
for now, i will be pushing my heart to live without that star..
( sad truths.. )
**silence**
emotionally disturbed
Thursday, January 8
i think i know what my HS classmate went through before she became insane..
what is the meaning of “emotionally disturbed”? hmm. i think i’m going to the early stage of undeveloped insanity. i’m staring to fear facing things that are outside my comfort zone. Theatre Guild is my comfort zone, school is my danger zone.
what do i fear about going to my consta class? (and my mafin and manac class)
because i have a lot of absences.
because i did not take my prelim exams.
because i can’t face the class.
because i’m afraid i’m going to fail AGAIN due to my absences and neglect.
no one can help me now, no one. they can’t force me or even inspire me. i’m so afraid. i’m lost. still lost. after months and months of thinking over what i have done and lots of talks from people around me. i’m starting to give up one of the things i wanted the most.
my alter ego- the coward me
Tuesday, January 6
I am currently in an abyss of hopelessness, at one part of my life — my studies. I prayed for power to turnover my life, so I could make a major change, yet I am as cold as ice, coward as mice (dead rhymes. whew)
why can’t I finally conquer this senseless fear. i’m heading straightly for the ashes. ashes of my dreams. i hate myself for this.
i’m a living dead at my classes.
(deep sigh) T.T
